There have been two instances in my life thus far which have been arcane and out of the ordinary, until now only my sister knew it(who has a hard time believing still). I'll just call the instances as the inexplicable.
1. Circa 2014- I was half dozing in math programming lab which was in my curriculum in 2nd year of Computer Science Engineering, it was an ordinary day on cards or was it? Nope, not even the remotest chance.
Leading to the event, I can tell you that I have never touched a cig or had a sip of alcohol or even weed/drugs for that matter. In the math lab, I just sat there when I closed my eyes and saw clear as day, a number 7 in yellow, seeing a paper in front of me I wrote it down, the digit changed to 4 and so on and so forth and soon I had a random looking string of 7s and 4s with my eyes closed! Maybe there were some 1s as well, I don't remember. I was shocked so as to what had happened.
I just googled that number, and the first result was a fridge magnet that quoted John 11:40, " Then Jesus said, 'Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?'”. That is when I started believing in Jesus apart from being Hindu. I still cannot explain it to this day. I was not on psychedelics that I see random numbers in my math class. I was not hallucinating, it was real.
2. 2016: It was not as shocking as 2016 but I was laying on bed but not sleeping when a word out of thin air started hovering in front of my eyes. It was not physically there, just in front of my eyes. I won't reveal the word but I was amazed at what had happened.
To this day, I don't know what these experiences meant, if you have had similar experiences or have a clue so as to what they mean, e-mail me at email@example.com. One thing is certain, you will not believe my word, why should you? but all I can say is that I am telling 100% truth.
It affected me briefly as I started trying to make sense of everything around me, which I should not have. I just have this feeling that everything around is pseudo random.
Now, I am just calm about everything. As I should be.
DISCLAIMER: Nihilism does not equate to depression, it is just an epiphany where you seem to find no inherent meaning to life. We just exist because we do. SCIENCE!
Over the last one month, I have been popping up this question to different people I meet, "What is the purpose of life?" because recently I have had an existential crisis(more like awakening).
All the responses have been kind of shitty(I am being brutal here) but still, ranging from "We give our own meaning" to "live life to the fullest" and all that singing dancing crap of the world. And surprisingly when I seemed unconvinced of an answer, I have been asked, "Are you depressed? You can tell me anything? Okay."
No, I am not, I am just curious. And this curiosity has lead me to a few answers.
1. Biology: so biology says that we have evolved and have no particular reason to exist, we just do. And the purpose of life is to spread our DNA for the expansion of species. So, to be purposeful I should just have sex, raise healthy off springs and pass on my 24 pairs to them. Ah! simple.
2. Physics: Physics says that the purpose of life is to increase the 'Entropy', i.e. the randomness of this unique machinery we call the universe. So, when a photon comes from the Sun to the Earth, it is converted to a different form of energy by plants and then different animals consume that energy to transform it to another fine form. Thus, increasing the randomness.
Lo! Behold, we are the chaos in this fine clockwork.
It is clear that none of us who have existed or are existing have the slightest of clue in the right direction because we can never have an 'absolute' answer.
So, if we don't have an 'absolute'towards the purpose of human life so how can we define purpose of an individual life. Here is where it gets interesting,
the individual life defines its purpose- no matter how insignificant a life may be. They have to define their own. On a long enough timeline, we are all dead and forgotten. So, if we take time to be very large- Einstein's contribution to humankind or earth is same as that of a dog who got runover at the age of two.
Say for an example, the life of an Algerian kid- no matter how intricate will have no effect on me here in India and vice versa. She will have her own troubles and day to day activities and so will be mine. We may just be backgrounds in each other's life stories. Sonder is the word.
Many lives have been past us, who will leave no profound effect on the history of mankind. One may be mine as well.
That is what baffles me, we have no purpose as a whole species and so how can I define my own as a single member here. What do I say is my mantra to life. HOW THE FUDGE DO I DEFINE IT?
Here is where I take a stance, I have to stubborn my meaning. Here it is, I may not outlive another century, my time will be limited here. So, I get to decide how will I quantify my own life.
I can quantify it in terms of money I make or the degrees I earn or the number of languages I learn and speak. I have to take a stance, it has to be soon.
I have always wanted to be a polymath, that is why I continued learning French and that is why I will take up Spanish in the future. It is the reason I have recently decided to do an MBA.
I have to give my self a big picture here- a goal! okay, so I envision myself at a premier MBA institute in India and that will take me a step further on this timeline called life. Maybe, I may never find the 'absolute' but I will surely tend towards my own purpose which I have given to myself.
As my sister says, we all look at a big white elephant but with different perspectives, one guy sees the leg and other sees the trunk but never the whole. Or maybe it is looking at a room through a keyhole, we must gain knowledge to have a better picture and that is how I have quantified my life- to gain newer perspectives and more knowledge.
Once, I am there maybe then, I can have a ripple of my own on the timeline of mankind.
No matter how shitty it sounded when others said, "We give our lives our own meaning" but I am clinging to that definition in the meanwhile(i.e., my life) because seeking the perfect answer is an illusion.
Another ordinary day was on the cards, I had to take the car for servicing and back. The new Renault Kwid was horrible, louder than the neighbour's missus and just like her, it had to restart several times on a single ride. The day was just like the previous five or seven days, three months in and you just wipe this day out of your memory. There were too many monotonous days in a row, I knew I had to change something to get the blood pumping, to get the adrenaline rushing. At the car service center lounge, I was flipping through the channels to pass the 30 minutes turned 2 hrs 30 mins to get the car back where I came across the last bits of Jim Carrey's Yes Man. The boredom was cuntish, I could visualise a judge on the empty sofa in an animated tone, " I hereby declare you guilty! You shall be punishable by death from boredom." I had to do it, do the YES MAN EXPERIMENT. I had thought of doing the yes man experiment in the past, where I say yes to every opportunity that comes my way, no matter how weird it sounds just like the movie. This time the thought has materialised and I will be doing the YES MAN EXPERIMENT for the next 7 days. From 19-04-2016 to 26-04-2016 :P I will record the observations/stories here. * However, I will not undertake any activity that harms me- so that bars smoking, drinking, weed, hard drugs, jumping off rooftops, fighting a lion(I could do it tho), or getting runover by a panzer.
The much needed adrenaline rush was here- presentation, three experiments to write and final internal practical all in the space of two hours. Woah! My kind of adventure, or NOT. :/ Maybe, I was forgetting something, "Oh! The other experiment I had to do." , so far it has been a comedy of sorts. I've said yes to any auto/rickshaw asking me if I wanted to go to the metro. :P After the practical, a friend asked me if I wanted to dance on the farewell, this is when my grit got tested, " I can still back out. Innit? No one will ever know or maybe I can start tomorrow again. For, tomorrow is a new day!" but I reluctantly agreed. How will I remember the dance steps man, the last time I danced on a function I was in 8th standard and I still get horrors of it to this day. Roaming the hallways, I met another friend who asked me to join their dance, which was far more simpler and abandon the other one. :P Guess what my answer was? "YES!"
It was a Wednesday and a rare public holiday, I had been asked to make a lot of tea and get a lot of stuff up and down the house. There were wry smiles, Something was wrong. Oh! gotcha, my sister had read the blog and had been doing this on purpose. hmmm.. Any of her requests are deemed invalid now. Thank heavens for saving me and not being treated like a slave.
I had two internals that day and I did terrible in both. In one viva, the prof posed a yes/no question and I said yes to it. *huehuhehuehue*.In the evening I went out to play football, everytime, I heard the call, "Pass" - I did pass but never on any other call- free/open/khaali hu. The balance sheets aren't tallying man , I am really losing out on transport money. CAN THE AUTOWALLAHS STOP ASKING ME WHERE I HAVE TO GO? I am saying yes to paying for people, making tea, getting stuff and whatnot?
FRIDAY!! and nothing to do. I thought of playing footie. It had been a long while, it was a walk in the park :P Scored some beauties, some nice skills and juice with a school friend after the game. The little joys in life. lel
Coding class followed by a lot of yes man work! Make tea, sherbet and going up and down the floors for any little work someone says. YES, I CAN!
Realisation that it might not be getting as awesome as I thought it'd be. but still. Let's see it through. I have exams this week. I have to study, PSYCH! NOT GONNA THO. Btw, I have been adding randoms on linkedIn because, 'please add me to your LinkedIn network' and I say YES! to every darn THING. and also, Hackerrank people have been sending me emails- SOLVE THIS CHALLENGE and that PROBLEM. Grow up and solve your problems, mate but what do they say about me on a mission- I'll say yes. and I am solving their e-mail recommended problems. YAY! my profile
The only outcome is me watering plants, making tea, coffee, doing coding problems...hmm. Man, I want some event to make stuff interesting. I DON'T WANT TO WATER PLANTS. :/ I need a twist like in movies, where the narrator is on and in an deep tone he says, " And in the next few moments, his life was about to change - he was about to embark on a journey
Okay, I lost all the previous posts due to a stupid mistake, to top it, I didn't even back them up. :( I know that my readers are upset(all two of you) but that's how it izzz.